I'm No Heroine...

UPDATE!!

2009-06-15T15:58:00.002-04:00

I've moved on from Blogger.

I took a free tour of Wordpress and was smitten. The deciding factor was the fact that I could import all of my blogs from here over to there. They also have better layouts. AND you can caption your pics. I'm in love!

Check me out HERE.

Change your links if you haven't already. I've already started working on posts!

All over the place.

2009-06-14T22:57:00.003-04:00

1. Ever had people in your life that you feel just CANNOT be happy for you no matter what the situation is? I'd prefer to think I don't have anyone in my life who fits that description but some signs have just been popping up all over the place... God please help them. [I might do an in-depth blog on this later. I'll start the draft so I won't forget.]

2. Single women can learn a lot from Michelle Obama -- the first lesson being one concerning choosiness. Check out the article here.

3. Are you one of the 7,526 people following Danyel Smith, Editor in Chief of Vibe Magazine? Her tweets are educational and awesome. Who do you follow that has great tweets?

4. Am I the only one who thinks Wordpress is better than Blogger?? I should've had a wordpress.

No such thing as single and happy

2009-06-07T20:35:00.003-04:00

Out of my friends, I think I'm probably the only one NOT concerned with finding a boyfriend or being in a relationship. I think it's because I'm the only one okay with not having someone. I have my moments where I feel like I need someone there, but when I really think about it, it usually just means that I want someone new to listen to me. Most of the time it's a male because I already have so many female friends.

I was bloghopping again and came across so many Black female blogs that discussed not having a man and how to get one. One woman even listed the reasons why she didn't have one. It was disheartening to see something like that. It would have been okay if one of her reasons mentioned that maybe she just wasn't ready (I can relate to that), but most of her reasons listed things about herself that she perceived as wrong and as a hindrance to an active dating life. I was SMH-ing all behind my computer screen. Maybe it's because I can't relate to her. I've never been in that sort of mindset.I'm single because I choose to be. I've never looked for a boyfriend, but usually when I'm serious about wanting one, one kinda pops up. Lucky me, right?

Let's hope it's this way if I ever want a husband.

Conflict

2009-06-04T14:23:00.002-04:00

Today I went to my sister's page, saw someone who wrote on her wall (another sister) and thought, "I can't stand that hoe."

I don't know what's gotten in to me. I mean, yea I don't like that person, but I rarely have thoughts like these toward people.

I need prayer.

Plus Size Matters

2009-06-03T14:04:00.005-04:00

Forever 21 now has a plus sized line. Check it out here.

I'm not plus sized, but if I ever want a specific fit then shopping in a section that wasn't made for me doesn't stop me. I ask my mom for her tops all the time because I know they'll fall in a "relaxed, I just woke up out of bed in my man's t-shirt" type of way. lol..I don't think that was quite the description I was going for, but eh..whatever.

Here are three pieces of the collection that I like and would definitely rock if they came in my size:

I dislike the belt, but they definitely have the right concept. The print, along with the cut of the dress, would hide any problem areas. Also, adding a belt would definitely define the waste.

I love this top. mainly because of the whole fluttery thing. My mom has tons of tops like these, which is probably why I tend to gravitate towards them.

I've been searching for a skirt like this for the longest. I'm kind of jealous they have this for the plus sized collection. =[

Trying something new: Bantu Knots

2009-06-01T23:24:00.008-04:00

I'm super lazy when it comes to my hair. I like styles that are simple and easy to take care of. This is probably why I've rocked a doobie wrap since elementary school. For the past two months I've been so over my hair. I need a relaxer badly, but I don't feel like putting one of those things in my hair, having to flat iron and then curl it only to have to follow the same process -- minus the relaxer-- two weeks later. For the record, Jacksonville is nothing like NY (man I miss it) when it comes to salons that are proficient in black haircare. As far as I know there is only one Dominican salon and their prices are ridiculous for the mediocre work they do. I was bloghopping yesterday when I came across Sexy and the Chi's post about Bantu Knots. I've never heard of them, but after seeing the picture of them I realized that I saw them all the time, I just never knew the name. Below is a tutorial on how to do Bantu Knots and the result. After that I'll show you how mine came out.

How to:

The result:

Her Bantu knots came out beautifully. Mine...not so much. I'm attributing that to our different hair lengths and textures. I was actually pleased with mine. I just blowdryed my hair that day and I didn't want to wash or wet it again to do the knots so I decided to just use wrapping lotion as a substitute before trying the style. The only drawback with the wrapping lotion is that the curls come out somewhat stiff. I still received compliments on them though, and with the hot weather it felt really good not having hair on my neck.

If you plan on trying these know that the more hair used in a knot, the larger your curls will be. Also, the longer your hair, the longer your curls will fall. That's all common sense though, right? I think I'll try these, along with some of Dana's haircare tips, again.

The individual curl:

Size matters..

2009-05-30T17:22:00.015-04:00

[click on the picture to see its full size]

I entered college in 2006 somewhere between 125-128 lbs. Freshman year, my weight never hit 130..and that was when my eating habits were horrible. I ate fast food constantly [always at after 12am], one could always find me sleeping my classless days away, and I hardly exercised. By the end of summer '07 I was a bit thicker, but I still felt good. I weighed around 135 and felt like I had that "Southern" thickness all the guys in the South seem to like. Summer '08 was something else.
By August 2008 my weight was still on the rise. I don't even know the exact number of pounds I weighed, but I know that I had difficulty fitting into clothes from the summer prior. My wardrobe that summer consisted mostly of dresses because they easily hid my weight.

The pic below shows how I looked in January. It was taken before a campus party. At the time I felt great. I felt thick, but when I saw those pics my jaw dropped. I knew I was gaining weight but I didn't think it showed so much in my face. That pic was probably my rock bottom. I looked like a whale. And I didn't like it. I finally weighed myself after that. I was 155. I came in college 125. WOW, 30 lbs in three years. I didn't realize how quickly those lbs were stacking up.

I don't think I've allowed a decent pic to be taken of me since. I'm always hiding when cameras are flashing. I've changed my eating habits a lot. I didn't realize how much of a comfort object food was for me. I no longer have snacks in my pantry. If I can't cook it then it's not going in there. And if I don't wanna cook then I guess I'm not eating. lol. I have tons of veggies in my freezer. I've given up juices and sodas. I cut the junk out of my life 100%. I've also become more active. My apartment complex has a great gym and I love that place like it's my second home.

Some days I can see the changes and other days I feel as fat as I looked in January. I've only measured myself once since I've been on this weight-loss kick. It was two weeks after I started and I lost four lbs. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to go to the gym everyday like I did for those two weeks. I only go a few times a week, but I still keep up my eating habits.

I'll be updating on this whole weight-loss thing. I don't want to post a current pic of me until I'm happy with what I see, which will probably mean I'll look like August 2007. lol.

Have any of you been working out? For weightloss or for other reasons? What has it been like? Anyone been doing it for 3+ months? I'd love to hear your stories.

I'm so high, don't wanna come down [Trey Songz]

2009-05-29T20:35:00.008-04:00

I did something stupid exactly two weeks ago. I drunktexted. It made me feel foolish. Took me back to the days of foolish text messages that made me smile one moment and frown the next. I showed my friends, they were happy for me. Smiled as hard as I did. It gave me hope. Maybe I wasn't the only one who saw it this way. I excitedly called DT. Her first question "Why did you do that?" My smile faltered in response. Why did I do that? I don't know. She continues, "Toya don't forget everything that happened.." Then went on to remind me what happened. Though she pulled me down from my high by my pinky toe, she was right. No reason to be excited. This doesn't change anything at all.

I told NG about the drunktexting yesterday. She said the same thing DT did plus more. Don't spoil a good thing. I should know that already. I did know that already. Sometimes I do stupid things when the selfish me takes over, but that's no excuse. I can't be that person anymore. The drunk texting had the opposite effect of what my drunk, selfish self was hoping for. It only solidified everything else.

Those moments of temporary floating affected the most important thing: my emotional stability. I can't do that anymore. Those highs were amazing, but the lows were agonizing.

Thanks to DT and NG for opening my eyes. I heart them.

Past Tense Pt. 2: What it was for him

2009-05-28T20:17:00.002-04:00

"I was so anxious the whole night because it seemed i wanted to photograph you under/next/on/by every little thing that i saw that night."

"I remember wanting to hold your hand very badly. I was trying not to make it to romantic since you were talking about how cheesy it was that you and your friends had just did something like that."

--

At the time I didn't know why holding hands made it so awkward for me. In retrospect, I was fighting it all the way. I'm still resisting, but not like before.

Past Tense: what it was for me.

2009-05-27T21:37:00.008-04:00

"It's a full moon tonight. I hope you don't try to make this all awkward and romantic," I tell him, glancing at the illuminated blue circle hanging low over my apartment complex.

We are going to the beach. The same one I've walked along with five other guys who all seemed to believe they were recreating that beach scene that every old school love movie seems to have. What I meant by my words was that I hope he didn't try to make it all awkward by being romantic. I don't want my life to be anything like those predictable movies. He missed it though. Both my words and their meaning. I sigh, too annoyed to repeat myself. He never gets it. I wish the moon would go away.

We get to the beach and I hope he starts discussing whatever he wants to talk about. Instead,we walk along the main street. He pulls out his camera, ready to take pictures of anything light and inspiring. I automatically melt into the background, not wanting to disturb him and happy that I have a moment to myself before the impending awkwardness. He stops to snap a picture of something and I continue walking. After a few steps I turn around to see him poised, camera to his eye, ready to take a picture of me. I look up and realize that I'm standing under a lamp that's emanating an unusually soft white glow. He's inspired. I want to kick myself for walking under the light. I quickly turn my back. I don't want to be in the picture. I don't want to be his inspiration. I don't tell him this. I make him think that I'm worried about how the picture will turn out. He assures my false worries. I laugh. The camera snaps.

We start walking again. The street seems darker, more deserted, less frequented at night. Apprehensive, I move closer to him. He grabs my left hand and our fingers interlock. His hand is so big! I feel like we don't fit at all. Even our hands aren't compatible. I try to remember if I ever shared a happier version of this moment with the former. Yes. We were walking along the beach, the moon high, our fingers interlaced. His hands weren't small, but it just felt right. We just felt right.

I want to sigh, but I know how expressive that action can be, so I hold it in, let my body absorb the frustration and pull my mind back to the awkwardness of the present.

Something New

2009-05-21T13:51:00.003-04:00

I'm a lazy blogger. That much can be seen by the frequency (or the lack thereof) of my posts.

I come here quite often. I have about eight drafts just sitting pretty. I'm so curious about the lurkers out there that I'm undecided as to whether I should release them. Who reads my blog? I'd like to know. Better yet, who knows me personally and reads my blog besides Faby, Dana, and Keena. I'm extremely interested in that demographic.

For the next week I plan to blog everyday. It's a small experiment of mine..similar to Aliya S. King's 24-hour and NakedWithSocksOn's 30 in 30 blogathons. They're much more famous in the blog world than I am, but I'm excited. I have a few blogs lined up and tons of ideas I have yet to put to paper. I should warn you, a few will be things that'll make you go wtf? HAHA. They're just a bit personal but so is my blog, right? You're just here along for the ride.

Headed to ATL for Memorial Day. I plan to have fun. Hope you readers do the same!

The power of shout

2009-04-26T23:10:00.002-04:00

I wish I found the following video when I was writing the post about churches in the South. This is exactly how everyone around me was acting:

"I told myself that I would make some changes.."

2009-04-16T17:03:00.003-04:00

More than biting nails, chewing with an open mouth, and staring at others, I believe that I have the worst habit a person could have: cutting.

When my hair isn't how I like it, I cut it. When my clothes don't fit, I cut them. [More like cutting to alter. It usually happens with jeans that I cut into bermuda shorts or short shorts.] When people don't fit into my life the way I want them to, I cut them out.

Over the past five years, I've dropped a total of 9 people from my life. I don't know how I'm able to do it and still be myself.
:snip snip: The sad part about it is that I never once wished I knew how to sew..

"I remember when I went to this church and 30 minutes into the sermon, people were dropping like flies" -the sister

2009-04-15T23:59:00.000-04:00

Going to college in the South has opened my eyes in so many ways and has brought me to so many experiences including church in the south..

I always feel so out of place when I go to church. My spirit is there, but with everyone shouting and stomping, I feel so...not like them.

Two weeks ago, a friend and I decided to try out a different church. We've heard about Bethel from the guy who leads Bible study and we heard that it's a really good church. I'm always reluctant to go to new churches, especially small ones, for fear of being dubbed "the stranger." One thing I've learned from being in the South is that there are few small churches, and this church was no exception. It was HUGE, and my fear dissipated as soon as we pulled into the parking lot.

The word was about friends. The pastor's exact words were, "Does your network determine your net worth?" It was deep. I felt it. I just don't know if I felt it as deep as other people did. They were in the aisles jumping, shouting, stomping, touching their neighbors. Meanwhile, I was feeling it sitting down, hands in my lap. Occasionally, I would clap, raise my hand to praise, or nod my head in agreement.

At one point the pastor asked, "Can I get a AMEN?" Everyone not only said Amen, but jumped up while doing so. I stayed seated..and I did not say Amen. Not because I didn't agree, but because it felt weird shouting it like that. When my friend and I stayed seated, the lady two seats to my left glanced at us. I know it wasn't a judgmental look, but I sometimes wonder if anyone feels like the two girls sitting down are just not as into the sermon as they are. Speaking for myself, I just don't praise like everyone else. I hope this doesn't sound judgmental because I'm not trying to be. I don't jump up. I don't shout. I don't stamp my feet. In fact, I didn't learn about praise hand motions until I came to college. I've always sat there nodding my head when I agreed with something or speaking quietly to God when something touched my heart.

Boyfriend #2

2009-04-15T20:01:00.003-04:00

I have a friend whose logic never fails to amaze me. For example, when we watched Twilight she despised the fact that Edward called Bella a spidermonkey. She was so serious about it that she said she'd rather someone call her a bxtch [0_o] than call her a spidermonkey [cue my wtf face]. After discussing something with her I'm always like, "what?? You can't come full circle following the path of a square." It really just never makes sense!

I recently realized that a friend may have had one of those "wtf" moments with me a while back. After my last post I was thinking about some more funny times between homey and I. I remember the convo we had about cheating. My point of view was that "ignorance is bliss." People say it like it's a bad thing, but when it comes to relationships you truly don't know what your man/woman is doing. I can't stress over something I don't have a clue about. As far as I know, I've never had a guy cheat on me. Even in retrospect on some crazy situations, I never once considered another woman as the problem. It may be foolish, but stressing over the unknown is not something I like to partake in, especially in regards to cheating. It creates curiosity which elevates to not trusting that person and all of that unnecessary relationship drama when all a girl wants to do is smile and be happy. With that said, if I was in a relationship and found out that my man was cheating I'd bounce without any questions asked. No need for conversations about it; cheating is a definite deal breaker because it's so unnecessary to me.

I feel like men and women who cheat just want to have their cake and save it too.[I feel like that should be the REAL phrase and not that "eat it" mess. Don't make no sense.] You can't eat the cake and still have it in front of you.

To Publicize or to Not Publicize?

2009-04-14T00:31:00.002-04:00

Though hesitant, I've decided to post the link to my blog on FB. We'll see just how many visitors I get now that my blog is available to the masses.
=]

Note to anyone who's gotten to my blog via Facebook, I deleted all of the juicy or somewhat revealing stories. SORRY, no juice for you! lol

Have you...have you been following me??

2009-03-26T22:45:00.000-04:00

:cellphone rings:

Me: Hey [Insert Roomie's name here]

Roomie: Girrrrrllll, guess who just came here looking for you?

Immediately, I thought it was the ex...Don't ask.

Roomie: Mike.

I guessed wrong.

Me: Mike? Mike who?

Roomie: Ohio State Mike.

Me: Ohhhh my gosh!! [My hand went to my heart]

Roomie: He said he was in the neighborhood and just wanted to see you. I told him you were in a study group.

[In my neighborhood???? He has no business on this campus, which is a good 15 minutes by car from his house. And I so love my roomie for not telling him my whereabouts.]

Me: [Still dazed..] thannnnnkkkks.

I don't understand what part of "I don't want to talk to you anymore" he doesn't understand. It's really simple. Don't call my phone, don't stop by my room [UNINVITED at that], just leave me alone. I'm shaking right now. Like, I don't even know what to say. I was woman enough to call you and tell you that I don't want to talk to you anymore, can't you be man enough to handle rejection maturely.

sighs....

Only because it's true..

2009-03-23T16:16:00.000-04:00

In one of my classes today, I took a survey about religious beliefs and actions that contradict those beliefs. I wasn't impressed with the questions. But a question about implicit racism stood out..

"A European-American woman [sidenote: so is she European or American??? Were they trying to say that she was white?? HAHA] holds her purse closer to her as two African American men are walking past her.

Do you agree or disagree with her actions?"

I agreed 100 percent. I'm not going to lie, I do the same thing so I can't fault anyone else for doing that. I clutch when I'm walking past a black man, a white man, a yellow man, it doesn't matter who I'm walking past. You have to stay alert at all times.

This particular post was sparked by the following pic:

Americanization

2009-03-23T16:05:00.000-04:00

At the job..

Me: "What's your name?"

Her: "Eve."

Me: "Eve?" [I have to repeat, that's the only way I remember]

Her: "Yes"

Me: "Hi Eve, I'm LaToya"

I go on to the procedural stuff, what writing tutors do, how I'm going to help her, how she is going to help herself, etc. A few seconds later she pulls out her paper because she wants me to check her MLA format. She pushes her paper over to my side of the table.
Above her teacher's name, class, and date, I see her real name: Nhuy.

I thought why in the hell...
But I guess she must be used to people not saying her name correctly, so she gives them her American name.

"If it wasn't for the club I'd still have my love." Rihanna

2009-03-23T15:38:00.000-04:00

hatin on the club - rihanna

A few weeks ago, the Bible study topic was "church hurt." You know, when you avoid going to church because the pastor said something you didn't agree with or a fellow churchgoer offended you in some way. Somehow Dez, the wonderful Bible study leader, always hits the nail on the head with his topics. I really wanted to ask him, "how did you know?"

I'm not avoiding church, but for the longest I was avoiding Bible study. I didn't want to return to the place where I got my feelings hurt (i.e. heart broken) by my ex. I neglected to go for three whole months, THREE MONTHS!!! I finally went during the second week of January...and I was shaking the whole time there. I kept wondering if he was coming, did I look good enough to miss (yes, I think like that), would I say hi to him, should he say hi to me, etc. It was nerve-wracking. Thankyfully, he didn't show up. I forgot to thank God for that. In retrospect, I don't think my head, my heart, or my emotions were ready for that. I didn't want to see him and I didn't want him to see me. Compared to now, I felt an emotional mess and I'm pretty sure it showed.

I did see him at a party that weekend, but by then my emotions were in a better place.

Anywho, the Rihanna song reminded me of this. Plus this topic was sitting in my draft box for the longest!

"Dobby has got a sock," said Dobby in disbelief. "Master threw it, and Dobby caught it, and Dobby -- Dobby is free."

2009-03-19T19:07:00.000-04:00

Wednesday I woke up at 1, turned on my laptop, clicked on the Mozilla browser, and opened four tabs. The first for my academic work, the second for Theybf.com, the third for my Youtube playlist, and the fourth for Facebook. As I was typing Facebook into the address bar, I realized that Facebook usually takes up most of my time so I should check Myspace and Twitter first. SO, I opened two more tabs, that makes a total of six tabs open: UNF, Theybf.com, Youtube, Myspace, Twitter, and Facebook. With Facebook, I saw myself as "saving the best for last."

Do you know what I did when I finally got to Facebook? Checked statuses, found out what the latest drama was, clicked through all the new pictures, and wrote on a few walls. After there was nothing else to do,I checked a few blogs and then came back to Facebook and refreshed the page a few times to see if there was anything new -- there wasn't. I then proceeded to do the same for Twitter, Myspace, Youtube (I actually get messages there lol) and Theybf.com (comment replies).

It dawned on me that I had too many electronic identities. Like, wtf is wrong with me that I open 6 tabs every time I get on the internet. Seriously? I asked myself.

It was 3 now. They were so distracting. I had work to do for my online class and there I was Facebooking, Myspacing, Theybfing, Twittering, and Youtubing away instead. I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet!!!

I decided to close my accounts with Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter. They were unnecessary. Did I need to know the latest drama? NO! Did I need to know who the current pregnant highschool and/or college person was? NO! Did I need to know Diddy's take on the number 10 acts of bitchassness or Solange's fitting for her banana pants????? Definitely NOT!!

Now, when I sign on, the few things I do include checking blogs and playing music from Youtube. Other than that, I've learned to focus on schoolwork. SIGHS of relief. I caught myself typing Facebook into the address bar once. I got to the homepage and there was nothing to do but stare at the little signin box. When I deactivated my account, they said that I could always reactivate it by signing in again. I'm trying to forget that I was told that though. lol. I want it to be like a country club or something. Once you turn in your membership card then there's no looking back. I consider my bridge with Facebook burned. People can always IM, text, call, or email me if they want to speak to me. And if they care to know how I'm feeling or what I'm doing then they can read my blog and condense everything into 140 characters or less. HAHAHA.

Long live the death of Toy's crackbook page!

Ohio State

2009-03-02T00:51:00.000-05:00

Him: I have something to tell you..

Me: I'm listening

Him: I don't go to Ohio State.

[DUHHH!! You told me you played football for Ohio State, It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you'd be on their roster...which you're not. Damn right I checked]

Me: Ok

Him: When you asked me what school I went to, I panicked.

[Panicked??? What kinda bxtchassness is this?]

Me: ok

Him: I actually go to and play for the University of Alabama.

Apparently, it's the cool thing to lie about what school you attend. What's even more hilarious is that his name isn't on the roster for UA either. So...are you even a football player? I know press doesn't validate someone, but wouldn't a football player have press, even local press. I hardly consider my ex a footbal star, but the papers around here can't get enough of him. It weirds me out when I google someone and find NOTHING. And this is after seeing his Drivers License, so at least I know he didn't lie about his name..
No need to ask, I definitely stopped answering his phone calls after that conversation. I hate liars.

The Girl You Lost to Cocaine

2009-02-05T14:08:00.000-05:00

I love music..

The following makes me smile like 72 & Sunny..

Conversation..

2009-01-26T21:10:00.000-05:00

12:40 am with the ex..

Him: i heard you have a bf now

Me: no you didn't

Him: yea i did... is it true?

Me: NO

I didn't mean to write the last part in caps. I was somewhat flabbergasted at his statement, the fact that he wanted to know whether it was true, and the fact that someone actually told him that..if they did at all. We don't run in the same circles so I'm inclined to think that he's just being nosy and needed some way to camouflage such a suggestive statement.

The Miracle of a Prayer

2009-01-20T13:41:00.001-05:00

I've been having nightmares almost 3 times a week since mid October. If you know my life it's pretty easy to figure out why. Yes...something so simple jarred my subconscious in such a big way. I used to pray for the nightmares to be done with, but I don't think my heart was in it. I think I secretly liked dreaming about it. It [my dreams] were all I had left. Over time, I stopped praying completely. I knew I shouldn't have, but I felt as if it made no sense to pray and then counteract those prayers. I am someone who believes in prayer, but I also believe that God helps those who helps themselves -- and I can say that I was not helping myself.

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I finally decided to pray. I kept it simple -- asking God for forgiveness, guidance, and protection-- but I felt that those three things were the foundation that I was lacking at the moment. Lo behold, last night was the first night in a long time that I didn't have a nightmare or a dream about [it]. In the morning I even remembered to thank the Lord for waking me up.

I don't regard the end of my nightmares as a miracle, at least not in the way most people know miracles. I just know that for me, it was something that I could not have done alone. Hell, it was something that I couldn't accomplish with 10 other people telling me what to do. This just reaffirms the fact that God is real, God is love, God is EVERYTHING. [Truly the alpha & the omega]. Moreover it reaffirms the fact that without God I wouldn't be.

New Year Blues & Yellows

2009-01-01T23:37:00.000-05:00

I hate this holiday! The new year always reminds me of what goal I wasn't able to accomplish. Moreover, it reminds me that I could have spent my time more wisely, and should have been putting my all into said goal instead of unimportant things x,y,z.
This year I neglected to put my all into unimportant things l, m, n...x,y,z. I'm disappointed in myself because it makes me so much further from becoming the woman I want to become [a heroine of some sort].
Despite my sour attitude, I told myself that I would stop making all of these ridiculous resolutions and try to focus on one thing: thinking positively. Either I'm really a bum or I just down myself too much. I'm no bum..so I'll go with the latter. I'm pretty sure this year will be a great year. There are just too many good things to look forward to. Not to mention, the second half of 2008 was me - no hype, no gloss, no pretense. I was my true flirty, bitchy, moody, silly, jokey, funny, lovey-dovey self---and it felt great to be that and not worry about anyone's opinion.

I think about every unexpected thing that happened in '08 and it really makes me smile. You never know what God has in store for you. I'm positive that he has great things in store for me!

Sorry boo, my number has an expiration date!

2008-01-18T18:13:00.001-05:00

Usually, after giving my number to a guy, I give him a week to call before I dismiss him as a waste of time; however, I've never had it happen to me until D. I met him wayyyyyy back in October at a Halloween party. We danced, exchanged numbers, and he never called. He friended me on facebook, never called. Sent me messages, poked me, but never called. We even saw each other during MANY other parties throughout November and December, he still never called me. By November, I took it personal. I'm reluctant to give my number out as it is, and the fact that there was some guy walking around Jacksonville with my number was not sitting right with me. The fact that he could friend me on facebook, send messages, poke me, see me at parties and not say anything to me and still never press less than 10 buttons to call me definitely pissed me off. It's not like I was feeling him, it was just the principle of the matter.

Imagine my surprise when he approached me at an Alpha party this past Wednesday. I couldn't avoid him as I've done at the previous parties, he was DIRECTLY in front of me. (dammit) He actually tried to act like nothing was wrong, like the day before was Halloween, like he didn't have my number for 2+ months and never decided to call. And when I brought it up he said that I looked angry everytime he saw me so he was afraid to call. Well, that just gives me two more reasons to not speak to you. You're a coward and you're an ass. On top of all of that, he had the NERVE (and yes, I'm rolling my neck at the moment) to try to get all touchy-feely with me. Uhhhhmmm. I think not!

I know it seems like I'm overreacting, but I honestly don't think I am. It's not about him not calling, I could have dealt with him never calling me. It's the fact that he did EVERY THING else, and didn't call. It's like someone texting you and never calling you, but supposedly 'they like you.' It just makes no sense.
Anyway, I told him that he took too long to call me. I don't sit around waiting for phone calls, texts, or any other type of communication. Sorry boo, not only does my number have an expiration date, but so does the amount of time I allocate to you!

They Got Me!!

2008-01-13T03:57:00.000-05:00

No, the feds haven't cuffed me up for illegally downloading 5+ years ago. lol. I'VE BEEN TAGGED. Thanks to Danielle over at Brown Bombshells for the tag. Fashionistas check her blog out. Great chic & cheap finds. Continuing on.. the rules are:

1. Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

ONWARD -->>

1. My momma said fake it till you make it. In other words, I'm not one to be stuck where I'm at. I social climb, I economically climb, I increase my vocabulary, I educate myself on things I know nothing about; however, trust that I'm everything I pretend to be! Ask about me!!

2. Though I no longer have an accent, I'm Guyanese (South America, between Venezuela and Suriname). Born and raised and I came to NY when I was 6-years-old. I know hardships!! I still remember fetching water from the community pipe so that I could take a bath.

3. I'm EXTREMELY shy! To complete my prerequisites, I have to take a Speech Communications class. I was signed up for one last semester, but during my first day of the class, the kids were so social and friendly that it freaked me out. I dropped the class that same day.

4. Thanks to facebook, I know who alot of people are (full names and all) before they even know me. There have been many occasions where I have repeated people's full names to them before they could introduce themselves. lol. weird.

5. To impress a guy, I once tried to learn the rules of football. I only ended up embarrassing myself when I asked what down the game was in and he asked me to explain what 'downs' meant. Um..touchdowns?? lol

6. Hola, como esta? (don't know how to do accents on a laptop) --- Though I'm way past beginners Spanish, I'm taking a beginners Spanish class for an easy A.

7. Who said age aint nothin but a number??? Can congratulate him/her?? lol. I like, and tend to date, older guys. Not because I'm insecure or there's something emotionally wrong with me. Nothing of that sort. I just notice subtle differences between the two. For example, from experience, I've noticed that older guys will open doors, pull out seats, let you speak, not force a kiss on you, call you instead of text you, etc. whereas younger guys definitely feel like they're too macho to do (and in some cases not do) some of those things. Can we say "grow up?"

NOW time for the tagging.
Vanessa, Falone,
and that's it! Sorry, I don't know seven people. lol.

Red Flags

2007-12-22T01:28:00.000-05:00

A few days ago my sister and I were conversing about two friends we dated over the summer, what worked, what did not.....most of the conversation was about what didn't. She said that something was seriously wrong with them. With the guy I dated, it was the fact that he constantly loved to be the center of attention. In my sister's words, "By constantly needing attention, he was compensating for something." I couldn't disagree. He was a fun person, the type that gets along with everybody and their mama -- literally -- but he was definitely compensating for something. With her guy, it was the red flags. He was unreliable & he cheated on EVERY girlfriend he had. There are probably more red flags, but those were the two she mentioned.

The whole red flag thing made me start thinking... what constitutes as a red flag? My guy was unreliable, and he too confessed that he also cheated on every ex. That didn't raise any alarms for me though. I wasn't looking for something permanent with him, it was only 5 weeks of dating. Should I have stopped talking to him after knowing those things? To me, they weren't red flags. I just felt sorry for his exes and any future females who choose to pursue a relationship with him. ---Old habits die hard!--- I'm guessing that the whole red flag thing is relative. It can only be a red flag if it affects you, no?

Not too long after that conversation, I was conversing with my current love endeavor (Alice Smith song title) and I asked whether I was the only female he was talking to. He didn't say yes or no, but he said that he gives time to his ex, but its not "like that." I'm guessing that was an intended no; however, I believe everything after 'but' is a lie. And if it's not in his case then there's still that looming fear. I've been the ex-girlfriend that kept in touch with her ex-boyfriend. It was because we still had feelings for each other, or at least I still had feelings for him. Immediately, I got that feeling that his situation would constitute as a red flag...

Summer keeps knockin

2007-11-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

Despite my love for change, I find that one of the hardest things to do is to move forward.

This Thanksgiving I had plans to meet up with a summer flame. Things didn't work out as planned, but I was actually happy about it. Not seeing him meant that I could let go of our situation; it assured me that our summer 'love' ended with the season. He wasn't deserving of my purpose (got that from a CB song lol) and I think I've found someone who is ... or someone who is willing to work for my purpose. I swear I felt so good about letting go of summer and moving on to the current season.
That is, until 2 minutes ago when summer sent me a text message, apologizing for standing me up.
WHY WHY WHY
I honestly think guys sense when you're over their bullshxt. I don't even care about the text. I knew he was going through some stuff, a lot of which were more important than a date, but I was still ready to change seasons. Now I feel bad. He apologized and now I feel guilty ... like I owe him a second chance or something. I know I don't owe him shxt, but the feeling is still there.

I keep wondering if I am ready to change or grow, at least grow past the last season. I guess that's my thought of the moment.

Oh and I'm not using change and growth interchangeable, I know that they mean separate things.
-----

And I can't end on a sucky note, so....
BIG HELLOS to Falone, Vanessa, and Dahana. I didn't even realize people read this, so thanks ladies.

Sista, you've been on my mind..

2007-11-19T23:37:00.000-05:00

I used to think the saddest part about losing a family member was the fact that they could never come back. It's really sad when people die.
What's sadder is when people aren't dead, but they just choose to eliminate you from their lives like you're a speck of dirt they washed from their clothes.

That's how I feel right now. I don't think I would have ever thought my sister would stop speaking to me the way she did. Not a sign or a warning. One week she was all jolly over the phone, the following weeks it was just me calling...calling calling calling with no answer. Come to find out, she's answering everyone else's calls, but she's not answering mine.
I'm hurt. It hurts to think that the woman I look up to is ignoring for what reason? Only God knows because I truly don't.

I'm frustrated. I was on this whole "eff this, eff that" kick. Life was great. After all the grief Dad caused us & the depression she helped me get through, I thought we were great. I felt great. I felt like a heroine. Now I feel defeated.

sighs...
Thats all I'm doing. Breathing in, breathing out, and living my life.
---
On a lighter note..
Going HOME to NY tomorrow!!!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL! Hope the turkeys, the pumpkin pies, the mac & cheese, and the cornbread [among other things] are good!

Interesting date experience.

2007-10-08T00:15:00.000-04:00

I decided to take a break from being all about my schoolwork and I went on a date Friday night.

How was it???

It was a disaster, not a COMPLETE one, but enough of a disaster to make me delete his number from my phone while we were on the date!

I met Dude (shame on me for not remembering his name and being too ashamed to ask) at a party thrown at my school. I can't really say I was interested, but it never hurts to have friends or someone to text when you're bored <--the real deal! After a week of texting and a few phone calls, I decided to take him up on his offer of a date. Friday comes and I'm getting ready, he calls me and asks me if I have a friend because his brother wants to come. Strike one! I ask my roommate if she wants to go, she says yes mainly because she doesn't want me to go alone, which I considered a really sweet gesture.
The dudes come pick us up and Lord help us! Dude's brother kept turning the volume up in the car while we're trying to talk to them. Strike two! After a few minutes of conversation, I find out that Dude was lying to me about his name, his age, and his occupation! Strike three! What the eff!!! Though I did not remember his name, I remembered that it started with a T and he now tells me that his name is Eulysses; he's 20, NOT 22; and he's in the Navy, not working at Citibank. It was bad enough that he considered college a waste of time (strike four!), but he didn't need to lie about everything else!

I continued the date despite all of these warnings because it basically meant a free meal! (Don't act like you weren't starving like Marvin while you were in college!!) We saw Kingdom with Jamie Foxx, which was probably the best part of the night. The movie ended and I was ready to get my grub on when Dude said that he doesn't eat out because of a food poisoning experience. mmm..okay. He offered to cook my roommate and I breakfast, which I thought was pretty sweet, even though I usually don't eat others' cooking. Dude cooked for us while his friend entertained us with his stupidity. They took us home and the night ended! I don't think my roommate and I could have been anymore eager to get back the the dorms.

We got to do better [[???????]]

2007-08-22T22:53:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here watching BET, a channel that I try my best to avoid due to it's negative programming, looking at a show called We Got to Do Better hosted by Charlie Murphy. Initially, the show was called Hot Ghetto Mess, but the title was changed because it was thought to be too offensive. The show features videos of people..our people... doing and saying things that I suppose one can only respond with the phrase "we got to do better". In between the videos there are interviewers on the streets of a city (my guess is DC from the comment of one person being interviewed) asking random people questions such as "Who is the secretary of state?" , "Would you rather own a condo or a mercedes benz?", and "What are some of the lines from Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream speech?".

I tuned in hoping that I would like this show, but I should have known that I would be disappointed. BET no longer entertains me, it in fact amuses me with its knock-off MTV shows and 5-years-too-late programming. I understand the point of the show, but I don't think it was well-executed. I don't know what the producers were thinking with the title. Now people are going to walk around saying we got to in stead of we have to, like they're right. They did show some outrageous videos, but Murphy's commentary at the end was somewhat lackluster and all he just kept implying that he hopes the viewers can't relate. If you're going to host a show telling people that they should do better then it would make a lot of sense if you give a good commentary on why they shouldn't do what they see in the video. Oh, and the commentary should be longer than five seconds. I understand the show is only thirty minutes long, but quality beats quantity any day.

The ignorance of the street walkers were appalling. I didn't realize that people knew so little about the country they lived in. I'm not trying to say that I know everything about everything, but I know a little something about some things. Only an older couple quickly answered the secretary of state (Condoleeza Rice) question right. Other people needed clues and some just blatantly said that they did not know. On the other hand, I was surprised to see that many people opted for a condo over a mercedes benz any day. So there is hope in the world.

My black people we have to get involved in what America offers. Don't just reside here, LIVE here, be here, be a part of this place. Know it like you know your bank account number. [lol..I learned mine the very first day]